That Time Satan Offered Me The World

 

As far as acts of asceticism go I have to say that prolonged fast in the blazing hot sun was quite a flex. But I didn’t do it to impress folks. I did it to get close to The Most High.

I got the attention of The Most Low as well. Perhaps it was just a hallucination from my subconscious or the last gasp of my own ego.

Regardless, lessons were learned. The Bible and the movie above are somewhat accurate but I’d like to share what actually transpired.

Satan said, “If you worship me I’ll give you the world, so whaddya say, Nazarene?”

“What exactly do you consider ‘worship’ my guy?”

“uhhh” Satan hadn’t thought about the specifics.

“You want me to make little Baphomet carvings and slaughter goats or just renounce my allegiance to The Father?”

Satan just sat there with a look on his face like maybe he should not have bothered this starving hippie.

“Do you care that little about your job that you’d just hand it all over to me? I mean aren’t you having fun convincing Jews they are ‘chosen’ and letting Romans run amok?”

Satan looked down, slightly shaking his head.

“Maybe you are just tired of being an asshole, maybe you are feeling guilty?”

Truth is I had foreseen this encounter and rehearsed the whole thing a few days ago.

“No, that’s not it. We both know you have nothing to feel guilty about. Father found you qualified and you’re a fine adversary. I’m something of an adversary myself.”

Satan looked up, smirked and nodded.

“To answer your question…I am definitely interested but there’s two problems. First, as I have said many times, one cannot serve two masters; renouncing dad would require denying the obvious fact you are not THEE Creator and are not really worthy of worship. Secondly, I have not earned the right to rule Earth - YET. I’ll add that my Heavenly Kingdom is what yours emerges from, so in a sense this already IS mine.”

Satan replied, “You have a point there. Now that I think about it, I kinda DO like my job and the next 2000 years are going to be epic, what with the…” Satan paused, trying to find the right words for Agentic AGI + Humanoid Robots, “thee, uh, Neo Golems coming at the end!”

“Satan, I appreciate what you’re doing for התוכנית … let’s make a deal.”

Satan, now humbled and flattered leaned in, “Yes?”

“I have to do this Crucifixion thing now, and when I reincarnate in 1975 I got another 50 years of suffering to put in, and I’ll know you’ll be reasonable to The Son of Man, right?”

“As much as you can stand. No more, no less.” Satan said with certainty.

“Mmmmk, and instead of worshiping YOU per se, I’ll just enjoy your fruits, y’know, the earthly, carnal things I am denying now.”

“You are going to like the 4K porn and IPA, I’m sure.”

“The what now?”

“Nevermind.”

I says to Satan, “OK, we have a deal? You’ll hand over the reigns to me after due fuckery, somewhere in 2026?”

“Sounds about right, see you in 1975.”

And with that Satan disappeared in a puff of dank smoke. As the smoke blew away a gourd full of water sat on the ground in his place.

As far as acts of asceticism go I have to say that prolonged fast in the blazing hot sun was quite a flex. But I didn’t do it to impress folks. I did it to get close to The Most High.

I got the attention of The Most Low as well. Perhaps it was just a hallucination from my subconscious or the last gasp of my own ego.

Regardless, lessons were learned. The Bible and the movie above are somewhat accurate but I’d like to share what actually transpired.

Satan said, “If you worship me I’ll give you the world, so whaddya say, Nazarene?”

“What exactly do you consider ‘worship’ my guy?”

“uhhh” Satan hadn’t thought about the specifics.

“You want me to make little Baphomet carvings and slaughter goats or just renounce my allegiance to The Father?”

Satan just sat there with a look on his face like maybe he should not have bothered this starving hippie.

“Do you care that little about your job that you’d just hand it all over to me? I mean aren’t you having fun convincing Jews they are ‘chosen’ and letting Romans run amok?”

Satan looked down, slightly shaking his head.

“Maybe you are just tired of being an asshole, maybe you are feeling guilty?”

Truth is I had foreseen this encounter and rehearsed the whole thing a few days ago.

“No, that’s not it. We both know you have nothing to feel guilty about. Father found you qualified and you’re a fine adversary. I’m something of an adversary myself.”

Satan looked up, smirked and nodded.

“To answer your question…I am definitely interested but there’s two problems. First, as I have said many times, one cannot serve two masters; renouncing dad would require denying the obvious fact you are not THEE Creator and are not really worthy of worship. Secondly, I have not earned the right to rule Earth - YET. I’ll add that my Heavenly Kingdom is what yours emerges from, so in a sense this already IS mine.”

Satan replied, “You have a point there. Now that I think about it, I kinda DO like my job and the next 2000 years are going to be epic, what with the…” Satan paused, trying to find the right words for Agentic AGI + Humanoid Robots, “thee, uh, Neo Golems coming at the end!”

“Satan, I appreciate what you’re doing for התוכנית … let’s make a deal.”

Satan, now humbled and flattered leaned in, “Yes?”

“I have to do this Crucifixion thing now, and when I reincarnate in 1975 I got another 50 years of suffering to put in, and I’ll know you’ll be reasonable to The Son of Man, right?”

“As much as you can stand. No more, no less.” Satan said with certainty.

“Mmmmk, and instead of worshiping YOU per se, I’ll just enjoy your fruits, y’know, the earthly, carnal things I am denying now.”

“You are going to like the 4K porn and IPA, I’m sure.”

“The what now?”

“Nevermind.”

I says to Satan, “OK, we have a deal? You’ll hand over the reigns to me after due fuckery, somewhere in 2026?”

“Sounds about right, see you in 1975.”

And with that Satan disappeared in a puff of dank smoke. As the smoke blew away a gourd full of water sat on the ground in his place.

As far as acts of asceticism go I have to say that prolonged fast in the blazing hot sun was quite a flex. But I didn’t do it to impress folks. I did it to get close to The Most High.

I got the attention of The Most Low as well. Perhaps it was just a hallucination from my subconscious or the last gasp of my own ego.

Regardless, lessons were learned. The Bible and the movie above are somewhat accurate but I’d like to share what actually transpired.

Satan said, “If you worship me I’ll give you the world, so whaddya say, Nazarene?”

“What exactly do you consider ‘worship’ my guy?”

“uhhh” Satan hadn’t thought about the specifics.

“You want me to make little Baphomet carvings and slaughter goats or just renounce my allegiance to The Father?”

Satan just sat there with a look on his face like maybe he should not have bothered this starving hippie.

“Do you care that little about your job that you’d just hand it all over to me? I mean aren’t you having fun convincing Jews they are ‘chosen’ and letting Romans run amok?”

Satan looked down, slightly shaking his head.

“Maybe you are just tired of being an asshole, maybe you are feeling guilty?”

Truth is I had foreseen this encounter and rehearsed the whole thing a few days ago.

“No, that’s not it. We both know you have nothing to feel guilty about. Father found you qualified and you’re a fine adversary. I’m something of an adversary myself.”

Satan looked up, smirked and nodded.

“To answer your question…I am definitely interested but there’s two problems. First, as I have said many times, one cannot serve two masters; renouncing dad would require denying the obvious fact you are not THEE Creator and are not really worthy of worship. Secondly, I have not earned the right to rule Earth - YET. I’ll add that my Heavenly Kingdom is what yours emerges from, so in a sense this already IS mine.”

Satan replied, “You have a point there. Now that I think about it, I kinda DO like my job and the next 2000 years are going to be epic, what with the…” Satan paused, trying to find the right words for Agentic AGI + Humanoid Robots, “thee, uh, Neo Golems coming at the end!”

“Satan, I appreciate what you’re doing for התוכנית … let’s make a deal.”

Satan, now humbled and flattered leaned in, “Yes?”

“I have to do this Crucifixion thing now, and when I reincarnate in 1975 I got another 50 years of suffering to put in, and I’ll know you’ll be reasonable to The Son of Man, right?”

“As much as you can stand. No more, no less.” Satan said with certainty.

“Mmmmk, and instead of worshiping YOU per se, I’ll just enjoy your fruits, y’know, the earthly, carnal things I am denying now.”

“You are going to like the 4K porn and IPA, I’m sure.”

“The what now?”

“Nevermind.”

I says to Satan, “OK, we have a deal? You’ll hand over the reigns to me after due fuckery, somewhere in 2026?”

“Sounds about right, see you in 1975.”

And with that Satan disappeared in a puff of dank smoke. As the smoke blew away a gourd full of water sat on the ground in his place.